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The Best Of Mitch Hedberg Takes You Into The Weekend

 

Because he’s one of the best of all time.

Have a good weekend.
 

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 5:35 PM

Because It’s 5PM On a Friday Afternoon, Here’s the Trailer For Hot Tub Time Machine 2

 

I had 0.0 intention of ever watching Hot Tub Time Machine. Just sounded pretty dumb. But I kept hearing good stuff about it and Craig Robinson is generally a hilarious guy so I gave it a shot and it was pretty good. Not just funny, but an enjoyable movie to watch as well. I feel they marketed it all wrong and made people think it would be a pile of dog doodoo when in reality it was not dog doodoo at all. This movie however looks like what I thought the first would be, a big steaming pile of dog doodoo, but who knows.

 
PS: You know what sequel sucked? Anchorman 2. One of the worst movie theater experiences I’ve ever had. Just wanted the movie to end. Laughed maybe twice. Cringed 1000 times. A tragedy of a movie.
 

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

What To Make Of This Guy Who Brought a Sex Doll To Karaoke?

 
Nate,

Guy “singing” metal music over at Rira this week.
Sex dolls. Can’t leave home with out em’.
David

 

My mind is so overwhelmed right now, I’m not sure which way to Sunday to make of this move. Bringing a sex doll to karaoke? Awesome? I think? Has to be right? Because karaoke isn’t for fun, it’s for glory. You play to win the game. You sing your ass off and try to win by any means necessary. If you’re my age you grew up watching Say What Karaoke on MTV. And you needed to give your best to win. Singing wasn’t enough. And ever since then, karaoke hasn’t been for shits and giggles, which is a very weird combination by the way, but for pride and championships.
 
 

PS: Story time because I love you. I’ve done karaoke twice in my life. The most recent time was in NYC at a BYOB karaoke place you rent out a karaoke room and pack with as many people as you want and get uber drunk. Well flash forward to 2am and I’m thisclose to blacking out and I sing (bet you wish you coulda heard me, I know, don’t be too jealous #GoldenVoice) Semisonic’s “Closing Time” with an absolute smoke. Not just saying that, I Facebook stalked her after, she was smoking hot. And we were belting out “I KNOW WHO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOME” into the same mic while looking at each other in the eyes, having this intense moment…and then I blacked out and never saw her again. Didn’t even get the chance to disappoint her. Good times. Happy Friday.

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 3:47 PM

The Potomac Nationals Are Having An All American Weekend With Fireworks, The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, And Blowing Up Justin Beeber Shit

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 2.37.05 PM

 

P-Nats – The P-Nats start off the homestand celebrating America, and what’s more American than P-Nats baseball?! How about Apple Pie, Hot Dogs and Justin Bieber? Well, not Justin Bieber but we will be having a Bieber Demolition after the game! So bring any Justin Bieber items to the game that you wouldn’t mind us destroying and buy one GA or Reserved ticket, get one free! Finally, anyone that wears America-themed clothing will also be able to buy one GA or Reserved ticket and get one free!

Saturday night brings the Million Dollar Man to the Pfitz! Come meet WWE Hall-of-Famer Ted DiBiase, who will be signing autographs, taking pictures, throwing out the first pitch and challenging a fan to give out $10,000. In addition to DiBiase, Saturday’s festivities are full with live music, a giveaway and several post-game activities! Post-game activities start with fireworks!

 

I just red white and blue myself. What an All-American weekend indeed! Washington DC was already the most patriotic, most American, most bald eagle having, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing city in the nation, and now the P-Nats just turned it up to a million. Friday they are blowing up Beeber and giving away apple pies and hot dogs which is enough to have me standing at full mast and turning my pants into a bowl of chicken alfredo. And then the Million Dollar Man is showing up on Saturday! Oh my! Oh my! Terrorists are gonna be passing out left and right. The America is too much for them to handle.
 

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 2:41 PM

Bird Watching – First Place Birds Continue West Coast Swing

Celeb
 

Right after the All-Star break, the Birds jumped right into the thick of things. At Oakland, at Anaheim, and at Seattle. They lost 2 of 3 to the A’s but then rebounded and won 2 of 3 vs the Angles and are sitting at 56-45 with three more against Seattle on their 10 game west coast trip. The O’s hold their spot at the top of the division by 3 games with Toronto and New York right behind them.
 

Manny

West Coast Swing
 

Orioles had a rough series against the Athletics, losing 2 of 3 including losing the first game due to a walk off homer by Josh Donaldson, and then getting steamrolled on Sunday. The Athletics are a damn good team and are probably the World Series favorites at this point, and they looked the part.

The Birds bounced back in a big way against the Angels by taking the first two games before dropping a close third game. Could have been a sweep if the bullpen didn’t give it away, but oh well, 2-3 from the best home team in the league, I’ll take that. Orioles’ starters also held the Angels to 6 ER over the series. Pretty damn good to hold the second highest scoring offense in the league to 6 runs in a series.
 

Norris

July Notes
 

Orioles are 13-6 in July and haven’t lost back-to-back games since June 28th and 29th. It has been a strange offensive month for the Birds, they have hit the second most bombs in the month with 22, but have the 23rd best average at .245 for the month. It has been no secret that the Orioles depend on the long ball for their runs, in their 56 wins they’ve hit 90 home runs, in their 45 loses, Only 33. Not a lot of small ball being played in Baltimore.

Starting pitchers have been fantastic as of late. Hell, Wei-Yin Chen threw 8 shutout innings last night, which never happens. Ubaldo Jimenez sprained his ankle in a parking lot (typical O’s injury) and is on the DL and it seems to have given the other starters a boost. Miguel Gonzalez, who once seemed destined to find a spot in the pen has shut us all up by going 1-0 with 23.2 IP and only 5 ER in his last 3 games. Bud Norris pitched a hell of a game against the Angels this week, which seemed to pump up the team. Took a liner off the leg, stayed in, struck out Mike Trout looking with the sacks full and led the Birds to a win.

NorrisGIF
Hold ma dick

 

Trade Deadline

With the trade deadline approaching, there are names being thrown all over. We don’t even know if the Birds are going make a move. Who are they gonna go after? A more established catcher? There’s no one really out there worth it. Second base? Unless the Os want to eat some of Utley’s gigantic contract I doubt they try him. Martin Prado maybe, but where does that leave Schoop? Stick with Schoop.

Big focus at the deadline should be starting pitching, but again, who out there is worth it? David Price? Yes but I think there’s a 0 percent chance the Rays trade him in the division, especially with how they’re playing recently. There have rumors that the Rockies are willing to trade Jorge De La Rosa and want Gausman back, with all due respect Colorado, you can go fuck yourselves. I can only imagine how fast DD said no and hung up to that. It was also reported that the Orioles offered Miguel Gonzalez to the Padres for Ian Kennedy, wouldn’t be a bad trade, but Gonzo has been pretty solid as of late. I would be all for trading some prospects (Rodriguez, Harvey) if it means we get back established talent that can help the Orioles win now then I’m for it, until then we’ll have to sit back and see if DD can work any of his magic.

P.S. Don’t bring back Jim Johnson.

P.P.S Idk about this sign…Let’s just say its a cultural difference.

 KKK sign

schedule
 

Upcoming

3 more at Seattle then the Birds come home for a series against the Angels. I think they can take 3-4 from the Mariners. Lets pad that first place lead Birds then finally return home to the Yard.
 
 

Follow me @BarstoolRDT

By RDT posted July 25th, 2014 at 1:48 PM

MFK Friday in the DMV – Pornstar Pirates

Sasha Grey

Jesse Jane

Stoya

Total Number of Votes: 6030

Sasha Grey:

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 12.42.21 PM

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 12.50.16 PM

sasha

Jesse Jane:

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 12.48.56 PM

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 12.42.42 PM

jessejane

Stoya:

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 12.44.02 PM

stoya

stoya

 
Pirate life today. So had to MFK these pirates. They are all porn stars, each with their own thing going on. Sasha Grey apparently retired or some shit, but still fucks like a superstar, we all know that, and she is trying to fuck her way to the top right now. Jesse Jane is a classic blonde bombshell pornstar. Her and Bree Olsen got me through some times. And Stoya. When it’s all said and done, they might put Stoya on the 50 cent piece. A true trailblazer of the game.

Marry: Sasha. She is the most normal I think? Is there such thing? She’s probably nuts but whatever.

Fuck: Stoya. Girl just bleeds cum.

Kill: Jesse. The Ol Yeller of the group. Sad but gone.

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 12:53 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Wanted Man Who Posted On The Police’s Facebook Post Of His Mug Shot Saying “Y’all Will Never Catch Me” And Promptly Got Caught?

yall cant catch me

yall cant catch me 1

 

The SunA man wanted by Anne Arundel County police bragged, “Y’all will never catch me,” in a comment under his own mugshot on their Facebook page Wednesday. On Thursday, they did. Roger Ray Ireland, 28, of Edgewater, was arrested in South Baltimore, near the Anne Arundel County line at about 1 p.m. and served with an outstanding warrant for violating his probation, police said. Police featured him in one of their weekly “#WantedWednesday” Facebook posts, prompting people to tag his family members in the comments section. ”Yo all yall people tagging my hole family bout my [business] stay … outta [my business],” Ireland wrote. ”Wait what?? Isn’t that him right above my comment??” wrote another commenter. Police said detectives from the department’s Intelligence Unit received tips Thursday that led to Ireland’s arrest. 

 

Did that really not work? Just a stroke of bad luck I’d say. His strategy was nearly flawless. When you play the “hide in plain sight” game, you’re making a conscious decision to play the percentages. Think about it. How many other times can you remember somebody getting caught dropping the “na-na-na boo boo, you can’t catch me” right in the fuzz’s eyeballs on facebook? Maybe once, ever in the history of time? That’s a 99.9% success rate. I’ll take those odds all day every day and twice on Tuesdays. Criminals are usually caught by hard police work, never by posting their own picture on Facebook. It’s really just math. Ever heard of it? So this guy’s no idiot for making a calculated, well thought out decision. You don’t need to pull out your TI-83 to figure this one out. But unfortunately, sometimes the chips just don’t fall your way. Tough noogies.

 


By banks posted July 25th, 2014 at 11:35 AM

Choose 1 For The Rest Of Your Life: McDonalds or Chipotle

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 10.34.37 AM

 

I was reading this article and it is all like “blah blah blah, McDonalds wants to be more like Chipotle blah blah blah” and I was like no shit, Chipotle is the best, why wouldn’t they? But then I was also like, fuck you McDonalds, you don’t need to change for anyone, you’re motherfucking MCDONALDS. People change to be you. I’m actually embarrassed for McDonalds at this point. Why do they have so much self-doubt? They’re the golden arches for Peter’s sake, have a little pride. Look in the mirror and tell yourself what you see god god damnit damnit. But regardless, if McDonalds wants to be a fancy pants McGee place, I guess that’s what they’ll become.

So I got to thinking, if I could only have one or the other for the rest of my life (say yes, say yes) which one would I choose? McDonalds or Chipotle? Here are my arguments for both:

McDonalds: McDs is the original hot piece of ass. The first pussy you ever got, and the one you remember the most. You’ve had one night stands, other girlfriends, even did anal that one time with that kinda weird girl, but you always think about the good times at McDonalds. But unlike that old GF, it’s always there for you. The french fries, the half assed service, the cheeseburgers with that crusty half melted cheese. And while you’re driving, you can get a big ol bag of dollar menu items and crush them the entire road trip. You can’t do that with Chipotle. McDonalds is the king of kings when it comes to road trip food. Convenience flies out of it’s asshole and lands in your mouth. So to speak. I suppose that could be phrased better.

Chipotle: In one word: Delicious. Simply delicious. And unlike places like Taco Bell, it doesn’t give me geyser-esque shits after I eat it. Not to say that doesn’t happen, because some people refuse to go there for that reason, but I can have a burrito and not be hunched over like Donovan McNabb in a Super Bowl huddle after eating it. Chipotle also just is a classier joint. And chicks love it. Not that I recommend taking a girl there, because grow up Peter Pan, but chicks talk about Chipotle the same way they talk about Pretty Little Liars and Pinterest. Annoyingly and often. And to come full circle, there’s not much else to say besides Chipotle is just so fucking delicious.

 
So what’s your pick? Vote 1 for McDonalds, 10 for Chipotle.

1 Star2 Star3 Star4 Star5 Star6 Star7 Star8 Star9 Star10 Star (1,109 votes, average: 6.98 out of 10)
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PS: My pick is McDonalds. Need that drive thru convenience. Need that 24/7 availability. Need milkshakes. Need fries. Need all of it. You don’t need to teach an old dog new tricks when the old dog is McDs. It’s trick are great just the way they are.
 

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 10:42 AM

Ryan Clark Is Honoring Sean Taylor At Training Camp By Wearing Number 21

 

Before we get into the smut and all that, we can to tip our cap to the this move by Ryan Clark to honor his bff Sean Taylor. I can’t believe there are Redskins fans saying he shouldn’t be doing this. Him and Taylor were about as close as you can be. He has the Taylor family’s blessing to do this. And it’s pretty fucking cool. Seeing a safety in burgundy and gold rocking the number 21 jersey just brings back so many Sean Taylor memories. Kid was an absolute beast. My favorite player to ever watch on the defensive side of the ball. Every snap all eyes would be glued to him because he could make a game changing play on any given play. No one should ever wear 21 again in a game for the Skins, but I love him wearing it at camp and in practice. Hopefully gets the rest of the guys fired up and playing the way Sean played. And yes, I truly believe he would have been able to adjust his game to today’s bullshit pussyfoot rules the NFL has about hitting. Because he wasn’t just a hard hitter. He was a smart, great safety that other teams had to gameplan around. Woulda gone down as one of the greatest to ever play the position.

 

 

By Nate posted July 25th, 2014 at 9:35 AM

Barstool DMV Smokeshow of the Day – Jordan From Towson

 

 

Lava hot Jordan from Towson. Always happy to have Towson smokes, especially when they’re as hot as Jordan.

 

 

 

Nominate smokeshows by sending their Facebook links to DMV@Barstoolsports.com.

By Nate posted July 24th, 2014 at 5:35 PM
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