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Shit I Like: Volume 1 Taking Us Into The Weekend

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Nachos. I love nachos. Nachos is like my family.

 

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Alex Ovechkin. 69 days til Caps opening day. 69. Heehee.

 

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This chick Ovi allegedly banged. I’d like to smell her hand.

 

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Chris Farley. The best.

 

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Boobs. I like boobs.

 

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Pirate life. Yo ho ho, bitches.

 
 
 
Have a great weekend, ye lads.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 5:36 PM

Whipped Cleveland Lawmaker Wants To Make LeBron James Specialty License Plates

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CBS - An Ohio lawmaker wants to create a specialty license plate celebrating the homecoming of LeBron James. State Rep. Rep. Bill Patmon says he plans to introduce legislation within the next two weeks for the “LeBron James Witness 2.0″ tag. James, an Akron native, announced on July 11 that he was returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers, four years after breaking the city’s collective heart by jumping to the Miami Heat. In a letter to legislative colleagues, Patmon said the plate would “honor the return home of our prodigal champion.” The Cleveland Democrat said the plate would commemorate the NBA star’s contributions to the economy of Ohio and to its children and families through his charity, the LeBron James Family Foundation. Ohio already has more than 70 specialty plates.
 

This is pretty much identical to Ravens fan clapping and cheering for Ray Rice when he took the field again. Maybe actually worse? This is just flat out felatio. It’s not a dumb Ravens fan in camo pants hootin’ n hollerin’, at least Ray Rice won the Ravens fans a Super Bowl. No, this is a grown man, elected into office, deep throating LeBron after he won 0 championships for Cleveland then jumped ship to South Beach. Beaten wife syndrome times 1,000. I don’t blame Cleveland for embracing LeBron for coming back. Hey, he’s the best player in the world, must be nice to have him. But good lord, get ahold of yourself State Rep. Rep. Bill Patmon. A license plate? You want to slap his face on a stamp while you’re at it? Maybe just rename the entire fucking city after a guy who has won the same amount of titles for LeBron as Pulitzers as I’ve won for Barstool.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 3:59 PM

I’d Like To Point Out Pro Bowl OL Richie Incognito, Who Has Never Killed Anyone, Beat His Girlfriend Unconscious, Or Got Caught Doing Drugs, Is Currently a Free Agent

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It just dawned on me that Richie Incognito, whose biggest transgression has been not eating lunch with a pussy offensive lineman, is basically blacklisted by the NFL right now. And it’s not for lack of talent, like say, Tim Tebow. Incognito made the Pro Bowl in 2012. He was known as an above average/pretty good offensive lineman. And he’s miraculously not on a football team right now. So he must have done something outrageous right? Something as crazy as knocking out his girlfriend in an elevator? Something like running over a pedestrian while driving while drunk and high? Oh what’s that? No? He just made a rookie, a grown man who weighs over 300 pounds, pay his dinner bill and made him cry? And that’s why he’s not on a team? Not one team out there needs an experienced offensive lineman who has a clean record (unless we count “bullying a grown man who tattled on him”) I suppose. Sure, Richie probably isn’t great for team chemistry. I understand shying away. He’s a risk…but more of a risk than the bazillions of other players who have been arrested or suspended for doing PEDs? Not even one team giving him a chance is mind blowing. I suppose it’s just crazy to me a guy who beat his girlfriend is more accepted in locker rooms than Richie Incognito is.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 2:24 PM

The Redemption Of Chloe Wess

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MFK Link
 

Poor Chloe. Was thrown into a sharknado of an MFK and had her face ripped off by a hammerhead. But that doesn’t mean we forget about her. Nay, we redeem her. Thots and prayers, Chloe.

 

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By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 1:44 PM

Tons of Respect For Dan Snyder For Selling “Redskins and Patriots Practiced Together” T-Shirts

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Cha Ching!!! How else will Daniel Snyder pay PR firms and pay off tribes to support the Redskins name? Sell $30 tshirts saying they practiced with the Patriots, uh duhhh.

I was tweeted this shirt all morning and afternoon, and I didn’t even bat an eye. I literally thought nothing of it. It’s Daniel Snyder 101, I’ve seen it for the last 20 years. If there is a way he can make a nickel, he will make that nickel. He doesn’t care if it’s charging you $40 to park 3 miles from the stadium or if it’s suing an old lady for trying to give up her season tickets after her husband died, if Daniel Snyder stands to profit, Daniel Snyder will profit. This guy could write the text book on how to swindle your fanbase out of every last dollar, offend an entire race of people, not make the playoffs, play in the worst stadium in the NFL, and still be worth billions of dollars. Daniel fucking Snyder, man. Daniel fucking Snyder.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 12:47 PM

MFK Friday in the DMV – Your 3 Highest Rated Wake Ups Of July

Olya Abramovich

Gabriella Lenzi

Sheridyn Fisher

Total Number of Votes: 4257

 

Olya Abramovich:
 


 

Gabriella Lenzi:
 

 
Sheridyn Fisher:
 

 
August is here. Motherfucking August! Where does the time go? Probably the best thing ever, because the first preseason game is this Sunday, college football starts this month, and all will be good again. So now, we MFK your three highest rated wake ups of the month of July. I won’t waste any time here, I posted enough pics to last the rest of the day, so nothing I can say should change your mind. Let me hop right to it.

Marry: Sheridyn. Hellooooooooo, nurse.

Fuck: Olya. Good lord. Not gonna be shocked when Ovi is banging her within the next week.

Kill: Gabriella. She gives me happy pants, but not as happy as the other two.

 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 12:25 PM

Bird Watching – Orioles Dominate The West Coast, Hold First Place Lead, Look To Stay Hot

Standings

 

What a week for the Orioles, they finished the west coast trip from hell at 6-4 which is pretty great considering they had to play in Anaheim and Oakland. The Birds then came home and took 2-3 from the Angels to give them a 60-47 record but still hold just a 1.5 game lead for first over suddenly red hot Toronto. It sucks because the Orioles are playing fantastic, but the Jays are that annoying little gnat that won’t go away.

Pitching has continued to be outstanding this month and that has helped keep the Orioles atop the division. Offense has struggled as of late but the O’s still ended July with a 17-8 record. Not bad.

 

Manny Walkoff
 

Angels Series

Manny Machado had himself a series, hitting a walk-off homer in the first game, and making several just absolutely insane plays in the field. Machado played a major role in taking 2 of 3 from the Halos and since his suspension he has been on fire batting .365 with 4 bombs and 10 driven in. Kevin Gausman continues to show us that he is a flat out stud, retiring the first 14 batters he faced and going pitch-for-pitch with Garrett Richards.

Even though the Orioles dropped the third game, Bud Norris tossed 7 innings of shut out ball and continued to dominate the Angels, bringing his lifetime record to 4-0 with a 0.43 ERA in 41 2/3 innings. 0 run support prevented Norris from getting a win in one of his best starts. This isn’t the best time for Nelson Cruz to go ice cold at the plate. Cruz has gone hitless in his last 20 at-bats and only hit .222 in July. Snap out of it Nelly.

The Orioles loss in the 13th inning last night ended their extra inning game win streak at seven and leaves them at 12-4 in extras on the year. Would have loved to get a sweep of the Angels but I’ll settle for 2-3 at home
 

 

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Andrew Miller

As I wrote yesterday, the Orioles sent pitching prospect Eduardo Rodriquez to the Red Sox for lefty reliever Andrew Miller. This move improves an already outstanding bullpen and gives the Orioles the best back half bullpen in the league. Miller can get both righties (.150 BA) and lefties (.180) out, strikes out over 40 percent of batters (69 Ks in 149 AB,) and has a 5.31 K/BB ratio.

Miller flopped as a starter with the Tigers and the Marlins before finding his spot in Boston. He won’t be asked to go more than an inning or two, and he fits this role perfectly. In an ideal situation, Miller will pitch the 7th, O’Day the 8th, and Britton closes out the 9th. This helps the Orioles starters because if they can pitch a solid 6 innings, they can hand the ball over to the pen and let them dominate. Buck has said he wants to stick with 12 pitchers so you have to wonder who gets optioned out to make room for Miller. Playoffs are all about pitching and adding Miller at the deadline was a great move.
 

Schedule

Upcoming Series

The Orioles take on the Mariners again and I expect Camden Yards to be rockin and for them to continue their streak of taking 2-3 from the Mariners. They then head down 95 to finish the MASN Cup before heading up North for a big series in Toronto. First place will be on the line, but Toronto doesn’t scare me. They are taking advantage of a soft schedule, and they’ll start to fold soon. I’m expecting them to again take 2-3 from Toronto to pad their first place lead.

All in all, being 13 games over .500 feels good. Feels real good. Stay hot Birds.
 

Follow me on twitter @BarstoolRDT

By RDT posted August 1st, 2014 at 11:30 AM

Florida Mom Arrested For Letting Her 7 Year Old Son Go To The Park By Himself

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Florida - A Florida mom was jailed on suspicion of child neglect after she allowed her son to walk to a playground near their home by himself, authorities said. Nicole Gainey was arrested at her Port St. Lucie home Saturday after police found her 7-year-old son playing alone at a park about a half-mile from their home, WPTV-TV reported. Word of the arrest made national news and Gainey, who paid nearly $4,000 to get out of jail, said she would fight the charges. On Wednesday, WPTV-TV reported Gainey said Florida Department of Children and Families officials told her the case would be dropped. An agency spokeswoman told the Daily News the case against Gainey was still open and that investigators had up to 60 days to determine whether any abuse, neglect or abandonment occurred. “DCF has an open investigation. Nothing has changed with that,” spokeswoman Paige Patterson-Hughes said. Florida State Attorney Bruce Harrison told the News a criminal investigation was ongoing and that a hearing would be held to determine whether Gainey would face formal charges. Gainey said the flap began after she let her son Dominic take a solo stroll to Sportsman’s Park, some 15 minutes from their house, on Saturday afternoon. The boy had a cellphone on him and had been to the park on his own before, she told WPTV-TV. On his way there, he was passing a public pool when someone asked him where his mom was. “They asked me a couple questions and I got scared so I ran off to the park and they called the cops,” the boy told WPTV-TV. A short while later, police found the boy at the park and asked him where he lived. Officers took the tyke home — and put his mom in cuffs. “I’m totally dumbfounded by this whole situation,” Gainey told the station. “Honestly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I was letting him go play,” she said. Gainey said cops told her she had put the child in danger because several sex offenders allegedly live nearby. “He just basically kept going over that there’s pedophiles and this and that and basically the park wasn’t safe and he shouldn’t be there alone,” she said. The bust left Gainey fuming. “My own bondsman said, ‘My parents would have been in jail every day,’” she told the station.

 

The NERVE of this kid to want to go outside and play. The NERVE! To want to go outside and play at a park. Arrest the kid too for being an idiot. Does he think Xbox will just play itself? Does he not have an iPad to play Boom Beach 2: Boom Beachier on? To think he wanted to go to the park and run around, for shame.
 

PS: I think my favorite part is the cop being like a pedophile might pop out and steal the kid. Way to make the community feel safe, coper. Don’t do anything ever, you will get pedophiled! Great police work.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 10:42 AM

Keyshawn Johnson Is Getting Married And Sent Very Subtle Invitations…No Just Kidding, His Invites Are On iPads

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TMZ Sports - Keyshawn Johnson just sent out the BEST wedding invitations ever — iPad 4s — each pre-programmed with all of the 411 for Key’s big day … TMZ Sports has learned. It’s pretty badass. Here’s what we know … the iPads were sent to several guests a few weeks ago — and once they’re powered on, a program opens informing the recipients about Key’s wedding events. Also included — a photo gallery, guestbook, and countdown to the big day. The couple also made it easy for guests to buy wedding gifts — by including the registry right on the iPad. Of course, the woman Keyshawn is set to marry is Jennifer Conrad — his longtime GF and the mother of 2 of his children. It’ll be Key’s second marriage.

 

I want to hate on this so bad. I want to call it douchey and arrogant and that Keyshawn should get ahold of himself…but I can’t. This is exactly what I expect out of Keyshawn, and if he sent out lame flowery invitations, then it wouldn’t be the Keyshawn we all know and tolerate. Everything he does is over the top. He doesn’t know any other way. He probably doesn’t even think anything of this. Probably thinks it’s run of the mill. It’s a mortal kombat lock he was angling for something more but his chick talked him out of it. iPads? Please, 8 year olds have iPads. You know he was going for ice sculptures of himself with the details chiseled into the side and lost that argument. I guess Key has gone soft.
 

By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 9:35 AM

Wake Up With Doutzen Kroes

 

 

 

ChuckApproves

 

 

 

 

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By Nate posted August 1st, 2014 at 9:00 AM
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