As It Turns Out I Actually Have a Ton In Common With One Of The Hottest People On The Planet Mary Shum (Unrelated: Holy Shit She’s Smoking Hot)
Ok, the above is probably the sexiest picture I’ve ever seen on the Internet. Like, woah. But as it turns out, we actually do have a lot in common!
Right?! Facebook is a mess right now with all these people popping out babies (on purpose) and getting engaged and shit. Everyone I know is “happy” and “in a relationship” and “doesn’t scour eBay all day for deals on N64 games” and “doesn’t eat 2 burritos a day while telling everyone they go to the gym”. So me and her, yea, basically #SoulMates.
Ok, you caught me. This was all a ploy to post pictures of her fine ass. It’s always fun to find a fun angle though. But really, I just prematurely blue myself.
The Mother Theresa of side boob is back! It’d been a couple months since we last checked in on the Queen of the Sideboob, and in Instagram months that might as well be 3 years. She’s been sideboob’ing it up since we last saw her, and when you’re the QOTSB, you get Friday blogs in your honor.
And sure I could link to the previous blog dedicated to her SB, but I could also just post those pics here like the man of the people I am.
You gotta marry one, fuck one, and you gotta kill one. I:
Marry: Jaimie. Under the radar smokebomb who you can tell knows how to treat your dick like a a hero.
Fuck: Kat. Those bags of sand are so unreal. Does touching one count as fucking? Cause that’s all it’d take.
Kill: Natalie. Went to Harvard and is better than me in every way. She’s so perfect she has to die.
Danielle just tearing it up and breaking hearts down in Harrisonburg.
JMU is one of the smokiest schools in the country. Send your Dukes smokes and all other smoke nominations to DMV@barstoolsports.com.
This one is tricky. I want to fuck Taryn but do I want to marry her? Can I kill Donna from that 70′s show? And Taylor definitely has a secret slutty side with her minxier days ahead of her.
Mary: Taryn. She seems kinda crazy but I’ll take my chances.
Fuck: Laura. Gotta fuck Donna Pinciotti if you can, but I don’t think I can marry her voice.
Kill: Taylor. Might be a mistake because her sluttier days are yet to happen, but no regrets, she is dead now.
Sun - Michael Phelps is keeping everyone guessing. Less than a week after Phelps told a Maine TV station that “I’m retired. I love it. It’s fun,” his coach Bob Bowman told a French news agency that the winner of the most medals in Olympic history has been getting back into the pool at North Baltimore Aquatic Club. “I’ve said nothing about a comeback,” Phelps told Bill Green of WCSH in Maine in a story that aired last Tuesday. “I have said nothing about a comeback. It’s everybody else opening their mouths and saying comments that they think I’m going to do or think that I said. I’ve never said anything publicly.” But when his coach tells AFP and other news organizations that Phelps has been getting back into the pool, one has to wonder. It makes sense that he’s swimming to stay in shape since that’s what he’s done all of his life, but is there a bigger goal in mind, like Rio in 2016?
Michael, my friend, why in the fucking world would you want to return to swimming? You got out! You escaped the 10,000 calories a day, shaving your legs, hanging out with butch chick swimmers life, and moved on to playing high stakes poker and banging every 10 under the sun. Are you really that bored of the best life a lanky, slightly stuttering, possibly autistic guy can get? You’ve out-kicked your coverage of life in every conceivable way. You beat the best of the best for 100 gold medals, and you did it while high as a kite. You put your dick in this.
The only explanation for returning to training 100 hours a week and eating 30 pieces of french toast a day is if his dick falls off if he doesn’t. That’s about it. Sharks have to swim to survive, Phelps has to swim to fuck chicks in Las Vegas hotel rooms.