Hey @BarstoolNate, for the first time I'm going to be 21 at a family gathering. How trashed am I allowed to get?
— Otter (@OtterRTV) November 25, 2013
Great question. My answer: Pretty trashed.
The way to go about Thanksgiving is to drink all day while watching football, obviously. You start at noon, with miller lites (or your choice of light beer) and drink steadily til the meal. You have to drink light beers because you do not, under any circumstances, want to fill up before the turkey comes out. I guarantee the pilgrims would not be too happy if they knew you didn’t have your second helping of stuffing because you went with Guiness. Huge rookie mistake. Just not the way Thanksgiving was drawn up, and the last thing you want to do is disappoint the pilgrims. I think the perfect plan is you have 8-15 miller lites and then have the slight spins when you sit down at the table and just get in that drunk eating zone. Like, where nothing else in the world matters, you are dialed in, ready to go. It’s your time to shine. You know that feeling when you’re drunk and you are in the perfect sexting zone? Where every word you send to the chick just feels right? That’s how you should feel when you sit down at the table. Pure bliss.
Besides how great it is to drink and watch football all day on a Thursday, the other reason it’s not only important, but necessary to be drunk at the table because it takes that sort of focus on the meal to dodge all the questions from your mom about how your ex girlfriend is doing. Like, no better time to ask about the girl that took a shit on you than at the Thanksgiving dinner table, huh? Gotta be prepared for that. Gotta be ready for Grandma’s racial slurs, and if god forbid you’re a chick, the “why aren’t you married yet?” questions. Being sober at Thanksgiving? No fucking thank you.