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As It Turns Out I Actually Have a Ton In Common With One Of The Hottest People On The Planet Mary Shum (Unrelated: Holy Shit She’s Smoking Hot)

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Ok, the above is probably the sexiest picture I’ve ever seen on the Internet. Like, woah. But as it turns out, we actually do have a lot in common!

 

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Right?! Facebook is a mess right now with all these people popping out babies (on purpose) and getting engaged and shit. Everyone I know is “happy” and “in a relationship” and “doesn’t scour eBay all day for deals on N64 games” and “doesn’t eat 2 burritos a day while telling everyone they go to the gym”. So me and her, yea, basically #SoulMates.

Ok, you caught me. This was all a ploy to post pictures of her fine ass. It’s always fun to find a fun angle though. But really, I just prematurely blue myself.

 
 

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By Nate posted December 16th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

God Dammit This Video Of The Little Tiny Hockey Player Helping The Other Little Tiny Hockey Player Is Cute As Fuck

 

I can’t be cynical about this. I just can’t. I can’t talk about how you need to get up your damn self, how there won’t always be someone to pull your ass off the ice, etc. Absolutely cannot hate on how freaking cute this video is. Maybe it’s the Christmas Spirit in me. I’m listening to Xmas music pretty much 24×7 these days, so everything is extra holly and jolly over here. Basically if you didn’t laugh and then get a little misty you’re a big fat liar. Perfect song, perfect video, perfect everything.
 

By Nate posted December 16th, 2014 at 11:15 AM

South Dakota Reminds You Not To Jerk It And Drive

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Fox DC - Officials for the state of South Dakota have removed a “Don’t Jerk and Drive” safety campaign after complaints about the sexual overtones of the message. The campaign, created by the state’s Department of Public Safety, was meant to ask drivers not to overcorrect, or jerk, steering wheels while driving on icy and snowy roads. But officials opted to kill the campaign after multiple complaints that the phrase wasn’t appropriate. “This is an important safety message and I don’t want this innuendo to distract from our goal to save lives on the road,” said DPS secretary Trevor Jones.

 

Let’s make no mistake about it, they knew what they were doing here. Jerking off behind the wheel is a real thing, folks. We all have jerked off in weird places. Don’t get on your high horse now. You came to this blog, you sleep in that bed. You know you’ve jerked off in some places that make you rethink your life. In the mini van during that family vacation to Florida? Check. Sleeping bag in the backseat ftw. Grandma’s shower? Check. When you’re 13 that thing is literally going off every 3 minutes, you do what you have to do. Driving home from your high school girlfriend’s house? Check. Hey, not my fault they give you that provisional license when you have to be home by midnight. Every so often her parents would stay up so the dry humping wouldn’t start until much later, next thing you know it’s 11:55 and you’re tucking your boner into your waistband and speeding home, but you gotta finish what you started. That’s why you keep the fast food napkins in the center console. A tradition as old as time itself.
 

By Nate posted December 15th, 2014 at 3:30 PM

Marcin Gortat Confirmed To Be Black

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WaPo - “He’s black in my eyes,” Beal said last week after practice. “He has every character of a black guy. He’s just a jokester. He’s down to earth, humorous. That’s how he is. He’s just a natural comedian.” “I mean, one, he calls himself the Polish Hammer. That’s comedy in itself.” Gortat: “Sometimes, I think it’s the way I carry myself, talk, make jokes. I think I have something from African American inside me. There is some kind of a black soul inside me that is fooling around with these guys and doing the same stuff they doing. Maybe they see some of that.”
 

I’ve always thought he was black. Always in the back of my mind I’ve been pretty sure Marcin Gortat was black, but I never said it. Yea maybe he’s from Poland, but that doesn’t matter. When you’re black you’re black, and Marcin is now confirmed to be black and I couldn’t be happier. We can’t have a front court of two white guys (or whatever Humphries is). Gortat being black obviously makes this team that much better.

 

When longtime Wizards employee Dolph Sand asked Gortat to fulfill a media request earlier this season, he responded: “What do you want me to do? I will do anything for you for paying me this much money.” “Listen, you get paid $12 million a year, there is no way you can have a bad day,” Gortat said. “You can’t have a bad day. There is so many people having problems in the world. What it is your problem? Coming to practice and work out for two, three hours? Is this your problem? “I mean, come on, man, let’s be honest. You know what I’m saying? There shouldn’t be any problems if you set up things in your private life and family environment the right way, then you don’t have problems with your team and your team is winning. . . . Life is beautiful. What else do you need?
 

That’s a ballin atitude. That’s why this Wizards team is so good. They got rid of the clowns (I still love you Swaggy but you’re a clown and you know it) and brought in character guys like Gortat. Marcin will go to bat for anyone. He won’t call his teammates motherfuckers after practice. All he does is lift weights, get double doubles, and be black. Marcin Gortat in a nutshell.

By Nate posted December 12th, 2014 at 1:10 PM

Ashlyn Coray Could Contend For Queen Of The Hand Bra If She Posted More On Instagram

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That is how you hand bra, folks. That’s how you do it. Unfortunately for us, nay, unfortunately for her, she only has posted 147 pictures in 2 years on Instagram. I don’t understand. Does she not want to be world famous? Does she not want to be a bazillionaire? Does she not want to be Queen of the Hand Bra? 147 pictures in 2 years! Here’s the plan: Step 1) Post more pics. Step 2) Be rich and famous. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Here are her only other hand bra pics:

 
 

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She has all the tools in the world. On the 20-80 scouting scale, she’s a 75 right now. A blue chip prospect, all the tools to make it big, but not sure where her heart’s at. Does she want to be topple the hand bra game for the next 15 years? I’ll do my diligence to the American people and monitor this situation.
 

But while we’re here, might as well see what she’s missing out on by only posting 147 pics in 2 years. Yes, her. Not us. We are here to support her, not vice versa.

 

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By Nate posted December 11th, 2014 at 12:35 PM

A Girl Cut The High School Lunch Line, And Well, She Paid For It WWE Style

 

Bah gawd. Holy smokes. That tray just shattered across her head. Haven’t seen a headshot like that in years. But that’s the price you pay for trying to cut in line. “No butts”, I believe is the phrase. If you butt the line and get caught, there’s a price to pay. Sometimes it’s worth it though. The lunch line was usually one of those places. If you were late to lunch and were buying lunch that day, those slow-ass lunch ladies taking their dear time could ruin your day. If you weren’t cutting the line so you would have time to eat, you could be royally fucked. So the girl took a gamble, and she lost. It happens. The guy who emailed the video said there was blood everywhere. Vince McMahon smiles.
 

PS: Love the cop screaming at them while waving his gun for them to get on the ground after the one chick is already concussed. Can never be too careful.
 
h/t Mike

By Nate posted December 11th, 2014 at 9:35 AM

I’m Thinking Today Is a Good Day To Buy Super Bowl Tickets For Extremely Cheap Using Ticketscore.com – Pats Tickets for 54% Off, Ravens For 95% Off

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All I read on this website is how good the Patriots are and how it’s time to book my flight to Arizona for the Super Bowl. Well what good is a flight without tickets to the big game itself? That’s why if you’re a Pats fan and not a tortured Redskins fan like me it’s time to pull the trigger and buy up Super Bowl tickets on Ticketscore.com. If you think getting over 50% off is expensive, wait until January. Good luck with that.

How it works is you pay a weekly fee for your tickets. If your team makes it, you have extremely cheap tickets. If your team doesn’t, at least you tried. And if you lose faith in your team, you can stop paying for tickets at any time. I stopped paying for my Redskins Super Bowl tickets after week 1. It’s that easy.

Say you’re a homer like Banks and think the Ravens are about to go on a run, you can buy Super Bowl tickets for as low as $22 per week.
 

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As for me, well I gave up on the Skins around week 3, but thankfully I have the Wizards. I’m all in on Zone 4 baby! Time to bring the NBA Finals home to DC.
 

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So no matter what sport or team you like, you can go see them in the Finals for extremely cheap using Ticketscore.com. Buy in now or be home on your couch when it matters, the choice is yours.
 

By Nate posted December 8th, 2014 at 3:45 PM

Week 14 Recap – Gutsy Road Win Gives Ravens Back Control Of Their Own Playoff Destiny

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Guts. That’s what we saw from the Ravens yesterday. That win was a testament to the makeup of this team. Teams that come out in the first quarter with that kind of stench aren’t supposed to win those games on the road. Nothing was going their way, the Dolphins came out running it right down our throats, and we couldn’t even sniff a 1st down. Then the Ravens did what they do best with their backs against the wall. They didn’t quit. They fought. They played tough. And Joe picked apart a tough secondary. And now we’re just a half game out of first place again with an easy schedule the rest of the way. We’re in great position because of a great win. Let’s recap…

 

1st Quarter

1st Q

- Dolphins won the toss and deferred, challenging our offense to come out and put a drive together. We promptly fell flat on our faces. Torrey’s knee swelled up during warm-ups, so he was unable to be a factor. Forsett’s knee wasn’t as good to go as they thought, and I think it threw the offensive gameplan for a loop. I can’t really justify those 2 3-and-outs otherwise. It made no sense to come out throwing on 1st and 2nd down and then have Taliaferro, who hasn’t had a carry in weeks, run on 3rd and 1. Just an ugly ugly start.

- On the other side, Lamar Miller busted a 15 yard run on their first play from scrimmage, and it looked like we were in for a long Sunday. They were able to drive down the field with short passes and put together those two scoring drives with a lot of help from our defense. We missed tackles. We failed to get pressure. We jumped offsides. It was a DISASTER. Felt like opening day against Cincinnati all over again. We were lucky to only be down 10 points.

 

2nd Quarter

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- We punted to end the 1st, and the Dolphins had an opportunity to bury  us with a TD drive. In stepped Suggs with a big sack to put the kibosh on that. What irked me though, as Suggs will from time to time, was his Ngata-inspired haka dance after the sack. Bud, we’re getting our taints handed to us on both sides of the ball.It’s 10-0. Cut the shit and get back to the huddle for 3rd down. Save the antics for later.

- Flacco, with help from Taliaferro, proceeded to march us right down the field on a beautiful drive, the kinda drive that inspires hope. We were knocking right on the door, and then disaster struck again.

 

 

- This is where just about any team would call it quits. Smith with a rare drop, Joe with his first pick in over a month… that’s where every other team just folds and decides it’s just not in the cards. Not the Ravens. Not Joe Flacco. He didn’t prance around the sidelines yelling and pointing fingers at people like a spoiled schoolchild. He remained calm. Didn’t get rattled whatsoever, and the team took after him. This is leadership by example.

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  – Sure enough, the Ravens got the ball back at their own 3 with 3:08 left in the half and Flacco stepped up his play. Saw what needed to be done and got to business. Rarely do you just see him take off like this, but it was a huge play to kick off the drive.

 

- They dinked, they dunked, they wasted a couple timeouts, but they were able to get it down to the 1 with 8 seconds left and no timeouts. I had nightmares of Flacco scrambling around and running all that time off the clock like he did against Cincy in Week 1, but he was able to fire a strike to Steve Smith and get into the locker room only down by a FG. Couldn’t ask for a better finish to the first half.

 

3rd Quarter

3rd Q

- Dolphins were able to come out of the locker room and pick up a couple first downs, but you could tell they were shaken. Momentum had swung. They started making some of the same careless errors the Ravens made in the 1st quarter. False starts, sloppy incompletions, etc etc. You could tell the tides had turned with the big TD drive before the half.

- I love the 4th and 1 call and I’m not just saying that in hindsight. A lot of people questioned going for it at our own 34, but you should go for that every time. Countless studies have shown coaches are ridiculously overconservative in those situations. Winners go for it there. Losers puss out. Trust your offense to make a play and continue the drive. We were rewarded nicely with 7 points because Harbaugh had the spine most coaches don’t.

 

 

- Joe finished the drive with a 13 yard dart to Kamar Aiken. Aiken is no Boldin, but you couldn’t help but notice that this throw was reminiscent of a lot of the TD’s Boldin caught in his time in Baltimore. Which is great to see because that’s when Flacco played his best football.
 

 

- Elvis Dumervil was able to get to Tannehill the entire day. He picked up 2.5 of his 3.5 sacks in the 2nd half, breaking Peter Boulware’s single season sack record, now putting him at 16 on the year. It’s hard to say defensive player of the year belongs to anyone but JJ Watt, but if I had a 2nd choice, it would be Doom.

 

  4th Quarter 4th Q   – We started the 4th quarter with a HUGE stop in the red zone, thanks to a big sack by CJ Mosley. I said in the preview that we needed to bring the heat to keep our secondary from being exposed. That sack was a great example of that, as we stacked the right side, and then brought CJ around the left edge to get the stop we needed.

- On top of that CJ made two more great open field tackles on 3rd downs the rest of the way. We covered well enough (despite injuries to two corners) for Tannehill to check down, leaving Mosley the only man between the receiver and the 1st down sticks. Both times CJ dragged the man down and forced 4th down. The rookie might be the best player out of this year’s draft class.

- Flacco’s best play of the day was a throw across his body to journeyman tight end Supernaw. Biggest play on the drive that turned a 14-13 lead into a 21-13 lead. This is just pure arm strength, right on the money.

 

- Last week, we pissed down our leg because we weren’t able to finish. We couldn’t get the ball going on the ground and we couldn’t get off the field on 3rd down defensively. Yesterday was the complete opposite. We smelled blood and attacked. Forsett was able to break off a big run to put us in position to go up by two scores and we didn’t look back.

 

 

- Defense held up down the stretch and it was curtains for the Dolphins. Great win for Joe and the boys to move to 8-5.

 

 

Jacksonville up next. Pittsburgh’s goes to Atlanta (exactly the kind of game they find a way to lose), and Cincy goes to Cleveland. Gotta love where we sit one week after the San Diego debacle. Let’s keep it rolling!

By banks posted December 8th, 2014 at 1:20 PM

RG3 Punting a Football, Chasing After It, And Then Punting It Again Repeatedly For 40 Minutes Is The Saddest Thing I’ve Ever Read

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CBS - “Last Friday, after practice, he was on the field by himself for like 40 minutes, just punting the ball, and running after it, and punting the ball and running after it,” Jones informed The Junkies. “The guy looks like he’s lost, doesn’t know what’s going on, and so I did feel bad for him.” “So wait a minute; he was on the practice field, in the bubble, just punting the ball — like a kid would, just out in the back yard?” Bishop asked. “Out there on the practice field,” Jones said. “He stayed there. This was outside, after everybody’s in the locker room changing their clothes, getting ready to go, and he’s just out there for like 40 minutes punting the ball, he’d run after it, punt the ball.”

 

Literally, not figuratively, but literally the saddest thing I’ve ever read. Who does that? No joke, he’s autistic right? Or on the verge of a complete mental breakdown? Somewhere in between? He should be in therapy if he’s not already. Why is he punting and chasing after it like a home schooled kid? What is going on in his head? I’m legitimately concerned here. You know how we have to kinda chill on making fun of Amanda Bynes because it’s a bit unkosher to make fun of mental illness? I think we are boarding on that with Griffin. Guy makes no sense at all. He’s completely shattered in every way a man can. This is the biggest fall from grace of any QB ever. Rookie of the year and Pro Bowler to pretending to be an NFL punter in the matter of 2 years. I’m sad just writing this blog. I really wanted him to succeed. Too many surgeries, too many coaching and management mistakes, a psychopathic father, and a fragile ego to begin with has been his downfall.

PS: I do wonder, I just wonder, if Dan Snyder wasn’t a cheapskate and installed a new field when FedEx is called the worst field in the league year after year. Does RG3 not get hurt in the playoffs vs the Seahawks? We hold the lead and then what? No offseason surgeries, no “All in For Week 1″, no coaching turmoil, he takes more than ZERO offseason reps and gets better as a passer, etc etc etc. What a sad story. I hope I’m interviewed for the 30 for 30.
 

By Nate posted December 8th, 2014 at 11:08 AM

Did You Miss “Eaten Alive” Last Night? Well Then You Missed a Guy Not Being Eaten Alive.

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So did you miss Eaten Alive last night? The show where the guy was supposed to get Eaten Alive by a snake on television? Well this is what you missed:

It was a 2 hour show. For 1 hour and 50 minutes, we followed this dude Paul and his rag-tag group of cronies around the Amazon as they looked for a snake that probably does’t exist. Paul has heard stories of a 40 foot Godzilla that lives there, and claims to have seen it, but it’s pretty similar to people who have seen the Lochness Monster or Big Foot. So they trek around the Amazon and are looking for this thing, ending up at the Floating Forest. What’s the Floating Forest? It’s an elevated lake where the trees grow from underwater and you kind of walk on the trees or some shit. It’s also pretty much the most dangerous place on Earth because it’s the breeding grounds for the most dangerous animals ever. No big deal, good thing they brought their flippers and scuba gear and were diving in there. Made a lot of sense.

So they trek around the Amazon looking for this Snake to eat Paul, meanwhile they encounter all these other wild animals and none of their reactions make sense. Wasp nest? They go nuts. Man eating spider? They pretty much try to adopt it. And for people who allegedly get paid to know shit about animals, they knew nothing about animals. At one point they break out a drone to get a birds-eye view and a guy in the crew asked Paul “what does a snake look like?” Good question, guy who is looking for a snake. Every time they think they see a snake, they freak out and someone pretty much jumps into Paul’s arms like he’s Shaggy and they’re Scooby. They game planned for literally nothing. One time they were walking through some lake and everyone was stung by electric eels and Paul was like “oh shit my bad, forgot to tell you guys about the electric eels”. They also built an anaconda trap out of sticks and stuck it in a random marsh. I wonder if they caught anything, they never updated us on that.

At one point they catch this 20 foot long Anaconda. They were rowing their row boats down the Amazon and Paul just jumps out of the boat and starts wrestling the thing. They other guys join him, while the two women stay in the boat and help by yelling things like “GRAB IT!” and “DON’T LET GO OF IT!”. Thanks, ladies. The chicks then celebrated like they won the Super Bowl when the guys caught it.

So fast forward to the end. They spend an hour and 50 minutes looking for this god damn snake to eat Paul and they don’t find it. So what do they do? Paul walks into a petting zoo and decides to get eaten by some bitch ass snake instead. It was insane. And that’s not even the biggest let-down. So he puts on this costume straight out of the Iron Man movies and lays down and lets this snake have it’s way with him. Snake starts wrapping him up, puts him in the Walls of Jericho, has him in Figure 4 leg locks, all the submission maneuvers. Paul is bitching the entire time, wahhh it’s squeezing my arm, wahhhhh my heart is beating fast. His broad is over there asking him how he’s feeling, it’s a whole big mess. And meanwhile this entire time, we are still expecting the snake to eat him, and all the snake wants to do is crush him to death. So finally, the snake decides to try and eat him, the fucking thing licks the GoPro on his helmet, and Paul taps out. He quit! The snake didn’t even take a nibble and Paul got the fuck out of there.

Paul is the biggest fraud on Earth. He promoted this shit for weeks about how he was inside of a snake
 


 

And the thing pretty much just hugged him for 5 minutes.

So to recap, he didn’t find the snake he was looking for and he was never eaten alive.

Besides that, the show was somewhat fascinating if you want to watch complete retards swim in man-eating snake infested waters with no plan or common sense.

 
PS: In 5th grade we watched a video about deforestation of the rain forrest and how people are chopping it down and how it won’t be around much longer. The teacher made us write a 1 word response on how the video made us feel. I wrote “boring”. She got PISSED. Made me stay after class and lectured me, and I was like “I dunno, it just wasn’t interesting.” Doubling down there was not the right call by me, by the way. Well fast forward almost 20 years and looks like the rain forrest is still alive and kicking. Checkmate.
 

By Nate posted December 8th, 2014 at 9:42 AM
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