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Reader Tweet: How Drunk Can I Get At Thanksgiving?

 

Great question. My answer: Pretty trashed.

The way to go about Thanksgiving is to drink all day while watching football, obviously. You start at noon, with miller lites (or your choice of light beer) and drink steadily til the meal. You have to drink light beers because you do not, under any circumstances, want to fill up before the turkey comes out. I guarantee the pilgrims would not be too happy if they knew you didn’t have your second helping of stuffing because you went with Guiness. Huge rookie mistake. Just not the way Thanksgiving was drawn up, and the last thing you want to do is disappoint the pilgrims. I think the perfect plan is you have 8-15 miller lites and then have the slight spins when you sit down at the table and just get in that drunk eating zone. Like, where nothing else in the world matters, you are dialed in, ready to go. It’s your time to shine. You know that feeling when you’re drunk and you are in the perfect sexting zone? Where every word you send to the chick just feels right? That’s how you should feel when you sit down at the table. Pure bliss.

Besides how great it is to drink and watch football all day on a Thursday, the other reason it’s not only important, but necessary to be drunk at the table because it takes that sort of focus on the meal to dodge all the questions from your mom about how your ex girlfriend is doing. Like, no better time to ask about the girl that took a shit on you than at the Thanksgiving dinner table, huh? Gotta be prepared for that. Gotta be ready for Grandma’s racial slurs, and if god forbid you’re a chick, the “why aren’t you married yet?” questions. Being sober at Thanksgiving? No fucking thank you.
 

By Nate posted November 26th, 2014 at 11:15 AM

The Real, Full “Jurassic World” Trailer Is Here Two Days Early, It’s a Thanksgiving Week Miracle!

 

I told you guys this was the best week ever! Thanksgiving Week does it again! The full trailer for Jurassic World is here two days early. I posted the teaser to the trailer yesterday (#pageview’d), but now the actual real one is here and it is awesome. By the way, anyone hotter than Chris Pratt right now? The fat guy from Parks and Rec did a few sit-ups and is taking over the world now.

I think I’m now done watching trailers for this movie. That was good enough for me. I got the basic idea, I do not need this ruined for me like how every other movie is basically ruined by the time it’s in the theater. Less is more.
 

By Nate posted November 25th, 2014 at 12:33 PM

Shout Out To NFL Free Agent QB Tyler Thigpen, The Newest Inductee Into the “Got a DUI After Falling Asleep in a Drive Thru” Hall Of Fame

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MBO - Police say they found a former Coastal Carolina University quarterback asleep at a fast-food drive-thru early Sunday morning, leading to his arrest on charges of driving under the influence. Tyler Beckham Thigpen, 30, of Myrtle Beach is charged with DUI. He was released Sunday on a $1,000 cash/surety bond, police said. According to a S.C. Highway Patrol incident report, Horry County police officers who were responding to a call at the BP gas station at U.S. 17 Bypass and 10th Avenue North saw a black Cadillac sport utility vehicle pull up to the nearby Wendy’s drive-thru. After about 20 minutes, Horry County police noticed the truck hadn’t moved. The officers approached the Cadillac and saw that Thigpen was asleep in the driver’s seat with his foot on the brake. Horry County police said it took several minutes to awaken him. When they did, Thigpen told police he was confused, didn’t know where he was or how he had gotten there, according to the report. He told police he had been at Broadway at the Beach with friends, according to the report. One of the Horry County officers said Thigpen smelled strongly of alcohol. When asked, Thigpen told police that he had not consumed any alcohol, according to the report. The highway patrol officer instructed Thigpen to take three field sobriety tests and Thigpen refused. At this point the officer arrested Thigpen and took him to Myrtle Beach jail. At the Myrtle Beach jail, Thigpen was asked to take a breathalyzer test, which he also refused. He was booked into J. Reuben Long Detention Center in Conway at 1:55 p.m. Sunday and released at 4:36 p.m.

 

Tyler Thigpen you dirty dog. Living that NFL journeyman/free agent life. I kinda love that he’s referred to as a free agent. Makes me think that we’re all free agents. If an NFL free agent can be caught for a DUI passed out in a Wendy’s drive thru, that means I’m not too far away from being the Bills 3rd string QB. That’s called math, folks.

My favorite thing about Thigpen is he once took a 1 million dollar paycut to stay with the Bills. Yep. He took less money to stay in Buffalo, hoping he’d be the starter. Ryan Fitzpatrick beat him out. Fairly sure Tavaris Jackson did too. That’d drive anyone to drink 8-15 miller lites and get behind the wheel to pick up a few spicy chicken sandwiches. Just have, have, have to stay awake in that drive thru line.

By Nate posted November 25th, 2014 at 11:00 AM

A 4 Star Recruit Decommited From Michigan While Watching Them Get Spanked By Maryland

 

Can’t blame him. Watching your future college get jizzed on at home is enough to make a man kill himself, so thankfully he only decommited. Could have been a lot worse.

And if you’re one of those guys who are saying “then what’s that say about Maryland?”, it means we are 7-4 in our first season in the B1G with wins on the road in Happy Valley and Ann Arbor. And just made a recruit decommit. That’s what it means. Dirty Terps.
 

By Nate posted November 22nd, 2014 at 7:03 PM

Thank You Barbara Palvin For Being a Team Player And Letting Someone Take More Pictures Of You Without Clothes On

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It is my civic duty as an American, as a blogger, and as an American blogger to bring you new pictures of Barbara Palvin every time they happen. Doesn’t matter if I’m on a boat, in outer space, or on my couch watching my TVs- if the pictures pop up, I report them directly to you.

I will say this though- she needs to cut out this shit out and just go TOFTB. There is no reason to play shy anymore. No reason not to just go for it. We all saw Mike Golic’s ass today, what the fuck does she have to hide?

 
 

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Previously in Palvin:

 
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And of course

 
 

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By Nate posted November 21st, 2014 at 12:23 PM

Who Is The Best South Park Character – Cartman Or Randy?

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I’ve had this discussion quite a few times, and I think it’s about time I blogged it so you, the people, can have your say and we can settle this debate once and for all. It’s a simple question with a complicated answer- who is the best South Park character – Eric Cartman or Randy Marsh? Now, we all agree it’s one of the two, no question about it. I’m not even sure there is anyone who thinks otherwise to be honest. The question is though, who is the best? If you had to go through every episode, who comes out on top?

Is it Cartman, the kid who tricked Butters into going into hiding so he can go to Casa Bonita, who took a shit on Mr Garrison’s desk, bought Cartmanland and didn’t let anyone else in, who learned German and tried to kill all the Jews, and made Scott Tenorman eat his own parents?

Or is it Randy? The alcoholic, who made his balls big enough to bounce around on, who fights anyone about anything, a member of the Hare Club for Men, not a big fan of…naggers, and is actually Lorde.

The thing that makes it such a tough argument to decide is at the beginning of the show Cartman was truly ridiculous and over the top, while Randy was more of a normal dad. From the first few seasons, you wouldn’t have expected him to ever be in this discussion. While Cartman has stayed consistently amazing,

 

 

Randy has been so much more over the top and absurd as the series has gone by.

 

 

The above Vine is from last night’s episode and I think it might have finally put Randy over Cartman for me…I think. I really don’t know. I love Cartman, but Randy is so fucking ridiculous too.

So what do you say? Vote 1 if you love the fat boy, Vote 10 for Lorde ya ya ya.

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By Nate posted November 20th, 2014 at 1:20 PM

Everything That Is Wrong With The Washington Redskins Starts At The Top With That Asshat Dan Snyder

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Yesterday the Redskins lost at home, coming off a bye, to the formerly 1-8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A team that was once down 56-0 to the Falcons. A team with the worst defense in the NFL. A team that made Joe Flacco look elite (zing!). And yet Tampa came into Landover and took the Redskins behind the shed. And all we can do is laugh. What is even the point of being mad? Nothing is ever going to change as long as Dan Snyder is in charge. He is ruining this team. He is a complete clown who has run this team into the ground since the day he bought them.

He has never hired a football guy to be the GM. Right now the “GM” is a businessman who can’t evaluate players to save his life. Before that we had Vinny Cerrato, who will probably go down as one of the worst talent evaluators/player personnel guys of all time. Cerato and Snyder once hired Jim Zorn to be their offensive coordinator while the team didn’t have a head coach. They then promoted him to head coach when nobody else wanted the job. They then brought in Sherman Lewis, who was calling bingo numbers at the senior center, to help coach the offense.

We can talk about the Haynesworth contract. The McNabb extension. Trading a draft pick for Trung Candidate. Trading a draft pick for TJ fucking Duckett. Trading MULTIPLE draft picks for Brandon Lloyd. Signing old players like Jason Taylor, Mark Carrier, and most recently Ryan Clark. Starting John Beck at quarterback. The list goes on and on and on. This team is a complete mockery of what an NFL team should be. They players are unprofessional. The owner sues fans and newspapers. The stadium is a dump and impossible to get in or out of. THEY PRETEND TO HAVE A SEASON TICKET WAITING LIST. That doesn’t get talked about enough. They pretend to have this long-lasting sell out streak and pretend to have a season ticket waiting list. Both are such blatant bull shit.

I couldn’t believe people stuck around at the game yesterday, nevermind that they showed up at all. That has to stop. Go spend time with your families. Make a phone call to an old friend. Literally anything else would be a better use of your time. And stop giving Dan Snyder your money. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t care about you or your favorite football team. I will always watch the games because I am a fan of the Redskins, but I am not a fan of the owner nor do I want him to profit off me. And if you want to see change, you need to do the same thing. Stop buying jerseys of whatever hot-shot free agent they sign. Stop spending 40 dollars for parking. Stop buying expired beers at the stadium for more than it costs for a ticket. Just stop. Support the team from afar, and if you are in the mood to throw away money, I can send you my PayPal account.

Yesterday was completely embarrassing. Jim Haslett was not fired after last year. Yesterday he drew up a play where a linebacker was covering Mike Evans. Evans had 209 receiving yards. Ryan Clark is terrible at football, but it won’t stop him from blaming the media when the team sucks. DeSean Jackson is the lone bright spot on the team this year, and he’s putting pictures on Instagram calling his teammates basic bitches. It’s all unraveling, as it does every single year. And once again, it all comes back to Snyder. He makes bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. He is a complete piece of shit and deserves nothing but bad things to happen to him. Fuck Dan Snyder, fuck him as hard as the Redskins are terrible.
 

By Nate posted November 17th, 2014 at 1:47 PM

The Frozen/Breaking Bad Crossover “Do You Want To Build a Meth Lab?” Is Fantastic

 

Breaking Bad and Frozen together at long last. The great TV show about a high school teacher who sells meth and the Disney movie about a princess with magical powers, who didn’t see this one coming? Anna probably did develop a slight drug habit, seeing as that whole “her parents dying/her sister disowning her/she talks to paintings/tries to marry every guy she meets on sight” thing happened.
 

By Nate posted November 17th, 2014 at 11:08 AM

Oh Fuck Yea! The First Trailer For The “Road to the NHL Winter Classic” Is Here

 

Fuck yea! We still don’t know what EPIX is but who cares, this is going to be dope. Sucks that HBO isn’t doing it, but after last year where the teams wanted too much control of the content and availability, HBO tapped out. I fully believe this will be just as good, only nobody will be able to watch it. Still pretty excited and can’t wait to send the Hawks home crying.
 

By Nate posted November 13th, 2014 at 5:17 PM

The Blue Jackets and Predators Don’t Give a Fuck About ESPN

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I’m pretty sure the last time ESPN covered hockey neither of those teams even existed. Were barely even a sparkle in Gary Bettman’s devil eyes. So every once in a while ESPN comes knocking, kind of like that old friend who sends a text just to see if you’re still cool. Nope. Not cool. They don’t need ESPN. Besides Bucci. He’s dope. I imagine him in production meetings pleading to show hockey highlights and producers being like “but LeBron walked his dog today”.

 

By Nate posted November 13th, 2014 at 1:25 PM
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