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Barstool DMV Smokeshow of the Day – Kayleen From Maryland

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Kayleen from Maryland to end the day. College Park represent!

Send me your smoke nominations to DMV@Barstoolsports.com.

 

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By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 5:45 PM

Jordan Leopold’s 11 Year-Old Daughter Wrote The Minnesota Wild A Letter Asking Them To Make Trade And Bring Him Home

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KFAN –  Jordan Leopold is Minnesota born and bred. Apparently his family has stayed in his home state while he continues to trot around the NHL. After being traded by the St. Louis Blues to the Columbus Blue Jackets earlier this year, Leopold was on his seventh NHL team. Now he will be on his eighth NHL club, and this time it will be the one closest to home. Leopold was dealt to the Minnesota Wild ahead of Monday’s trade deadline for a draft pick and Justin Falk. It was a deal that somewhat came out of the blue, but it turns out that Leopold had one of his agents working on this one for a while. According to Minnesota radio station KFAN, Leopold’s 11-year-old daughter Jordyn wrote a letter to the Wild organization asking that they please trade for her dad to bring him home. It is heart-warming and heart-breaking all at once.

 

This letter is going viral quickly and that’s fair. It’s adorable as fuck. I might’ve shed a tear or two. But there’s really three takeaways I have from this letter:

 

1. How about the Wild doing a favor for a girl who flat out ROASTED them for being a sack of losers? Just spit directly in their eye. If I’m them I might flip Leopold to fucking Edmonton just to spite her.

2. How miserable is the state of Ohio? I didn’t see her writing any letters to St. Louis when he was playing there at the beginning of the year. You just know Poppa Leopold couldn’t even keep himself from bitching about that god awful place when he was on the horn with his little girl. She had no choice but to write this letter.

3. How fucking psychotic is it to basically name your daughter after yourself? That’s so fucking twisted. There should be rules about that kind of thing. I’m not implying anything but perhaps a visit from child protective services should be in order. Just for the sake of due diligence…

 

By banks posted March 2nd, 2015 at 5:19 PM

Hard To Knock This Guy Who Was Arrested For Wacking It In a Walmart After He Told The Cops He Has A Problem “sticking his hands in his pants”

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Smoking Gun – A Walmart patron who was spotted masturbating in various sections of a South Carolina store explained to a cop that he “had a problem with sticking his hands in his pants,” according to a police report. Officers were called to the business Saturday after customers and Walmart employees allegedly observed Jeremy Percival Bryant, 23, repeatedly exposing himself inside the Myrtle Beach retailer. A Walmart worker told cops that a female customer reported that Bryant (seen at right) was acting “weird” in the men’s department. When the employee went to investigate, she noticed that Bryant “had his penis out of his pants and was rubbing it.” The worker added that Bryant would cover himself when someone moved toward him in the aisle, but would resume “the activity when he thought no one was watching him.”

 

Couple things here:

1) Masturbating in a Walmart is the new normal. I officially want to make that declaration. There’s no longer anything wacky about masturbating at a Walmart. It’s an every day occurrence now. I’m surprised they even arrest people for doing it still. It’s more regular at a Walmart than shoplifting. It seems people literally drive to Walmart just to jerk off. They hide in the clothes racks and just go to town on themselves.

2) He was honest about the entire thing. It’s not like he even wanted to wank it at a Walmart. But he didn’t have a choice. He literally has a problem with sticking his hands in his pants. He could have gone into Walmart looking for some 5 dollar DVDs and left as a sex offender and it wasn’t even his fault.
 
 

PS: If we’re all being honest, don’t we all have a problem with sticking our hands in our pants? I’m kind of nervous now. Literally everyone in the world’s go-to couch position is one hands down the pants. What if we somehow get too comfortable and next time we are in Walmart don’t even realize we are cranking? Is that possible?
 

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 3:40 PM

Guy Wins 2.5 Million Dollar Lawsuit After The Prescription He Was Taking Was Making Him Grow 46DD Tits

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Alabama - A 20-year-old Thorsby man with autism was awarded $2.5 million in damages on Tuesday by a Philadelphia jury that found a drug he began taking as a child caused him to grow large breasts and that his family was not “adequately warned” of this side effect, according to a report by The Philadelphia Daily News. A Common Pleas jury found that Austin Pledger, his family and his doctor were not aware that the drug Risperdal — an anti-psychotic made by Janssen Pharmaceuticals, a subsidiary of Johnson & Johnson — could cause him to grow 46DD breasts, Pledger’s attorney Thomas Kline told the Daily News. At the time, the drug’s label reported that the risk of gynecomastia, a condition that causes men to grow female breasts, was low, according to Kline. However, the FDA warning was changed in 2006 — when Risperdal was approved for use by children — to say the drug contained high levels of prolactin, a hormone that promotes breast growth, Kline told The Daily News. By that time, however, Pledger already had begun to develop 46DD breasts, according to Kline.

 

Talk about a win/win/win for this guy. Holy smokes. Luckiest guy on Earth. First, he got meds so he wasn’t tossed into the looney bin. Pretty solid W right off the bat. Then he developed sweet titties that he can play with whenever he wants. AWESOME. And then third he got to sue for 2.5 Million dollars when he got tired of playing with his sweet titties. Incredible! It’s the American dream! It’s hilarious too because he took this medicine his entire life, then it seems he woke up one morning like “oh shit, check out my rack, better sue for 2.5 million.” No chance he uses that money to get his tits fixed either. Nobody who is that close to being locked up for being crazy is playing with anyone else’s titties, so he’s definitely keeping his own. A sweet pair of tits and 9 figs in the bank, every man’s dream.

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 2:40 PM

A Special MFK Monday – UFC 184 Octagon Ring Girls

Brittney Palmer

Chrissy Blair

Arianny Celeste

Total Number of Votes: 5353

 

Saw this pic on Instagram yesterday and decided we have to MFK these UFC Ring Girls today.

 

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Brittney Palmer:
 

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Chrissy Blair:
 

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Arianny Celeste:
 

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Lil MFK to get the juices going on a cold Monday. After Ronda Rousey won the main event in 14 seconds, it was only right to turn our attention to the ring girls. Dimes, pure dimes. There’s not one bad thing I can say about any of the three. I’ve been searching for flaws or something that makes one better than the other, nope, just boner breaking pics from the trio. Brittney has that handbra, Chrissy has that ass shot, and Arianny has everything. I’m completely lost right now.
 

Marry: Chrissy. I think it’s a bit of an upset to marry her, but I just can’t get over that ass shot. And all the other pics too.

Fuck: Arianny. I went back and forth here but Arianny is the right choice. It came down to guilt. I would never forgive myself for killing her.

Kill: Simply put, Brittneys can’t be trusted. Sad but true.

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 1:50 PM

Guy Puts On a Tux, Grabs a Fake Oscar, and Walks Around Hollywood Reaping The Benefits Of Being an Oscar Winner

 

I love this. Just act like you belong, that you deserve to be there, and everything falls your way. Nobody really asks his name, movie, credentials, nothing. The Oscar and the tux got him everything. Free gatorades, free chips and salsa, got that babes phone number..and a free car. What a life. And you know he went back for seconds on Lafawnda here.

 

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It reminds me of the dudes who snuck into the Super Bowl. As long as you fake it you can make it.

I hope after they turned the camera off he pushed his luck as far as he could get. He was on a roll, there’s no telling what he was capable of. Once he got in that groove he was in, I’m positive he could have gotten someone to sign over their house to him. He was just feeling it. But instead, he told the girl he didn’t even win an Oscar? At least he still went to her party.
 

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 1:00 PM

The Wizards Finished February 3-9, Are Looking To….Not Suck As Much in March

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Since I last blogged about the Wizards, two very bad things happened and one fairly good thing happened:

The bad: They lost back to back games against the Timberwolves and the 76ers. Two of the bottom 3 teams in the league. Combine those rosters and you still don’t have a playoff team. And the Wizards lost to both.

After the Minnesota game, the whole team should have had to walk home. They should have been doing suicides until they puked their guts out. They should have confiscated all the cell phones before getting on the plane and made everyone sit in silence. You can’t go into Minnesota and lose by 20. Got outscored 86-57 after the first quarter. John Wall had never looked more frustrated in his life. The coaching was asinine, his teammates weren’t trying, everything was terrible. Minnesota had won a dozen games all year and they were making jokes and yucking it up on the bench. Truly embarrassing.

The Sixers game somehow wasn’t much better, despite losing by “only” 8. Again the Wiz failed to have any sort of offense, putting up only 81 points. Wall still put up his 21 and 11, as he is one to do, but man, it was just a pathetic game.

The good thing that happened since those two games was Bradley Beal came back from injury, helping the Wizards end the losing streak by beating Detroit. He is on a minutes limit, but just having him out on the court, even if his shot was a bit off, helped open up the floor. When he’s injured, there’s no true lights out shooting threat. Just shows how poorly this team was put together. Also doesn’t help Marcin Gortat’s game has gone to shit. You can tell he’s busting his ass out there, but something is off with him. I do think he will figure this slump out, but it’s been a bit frustrating watching him struggle. Doesn’t help Wittman has no idea how to utilize him and Wall whatsoever. They were one of the best PnR duos in the league, and for whatever reason Wittman has moved away from that. Both him and Wall have voiced their displeasure over it, but at the end of the day they say they have to do what Wittman says…and Wittman’s offense is basically zero creativity, forced shots, and not nearly enough 3′s.

 

 

What looked so promising after the 19-6 start has crumbled. Wittman has led this team as high as he is going to lead them. They have plateaued with him as coach. He made them better on defense and changed the culture in DC, but isn’t the guy to take them to the next level. And now we are at the point where the players are frustrated with him, the opposing coaches have figured out how to confuse him, and the Wizards are suffering because of it. They are looking like they’ll hold onto the 7th seed and then have a long offseason of decisions to be made. I expect both Ernie and Wittman to be gone before the start of next year. For now I’ll just keep enjoying watching Beal and Wall and look forward to a big FA signing in 2016.

 

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 12:10 PM

Maryland Basketball Finished Their First Big 10 Season Undefeated At Home, Sit at 24-5 With Games At Rutgers and Nebraska Left

 

That’s how you wrap up your first season in the B1G. Undefeated at home in conference. Setting up really nicely for a top 4 seed come March Madness. And as ESPN’s Dan Dakich said, “This crowd is great. I mean this is the liveliest student body that I have seen, the most well attended student body, the best student body in the Big Ten. It’s just unbelievable.”

And this is a squad that lost 5 guys due to transfers from last year’s team including their top scorer and starting point guard Seth Allen. He was replaced by the absurdly talented freshman Melo Trimble, but imagine a team with both of these guys.

They also lost Chuck Mitchell, who was a dominant presence inside on the glass. We are missing him more than Allen, as Mitchell was still developing and was a rebounding machine. Every time someone gets an offensive rebound over Smotz I cry a little bit, knowing that Chuck would have had it.

Maryland can make noise in the tournament, without a doubt. Dez Wells is playing his best basketball to date. He’s a guy whose game is to get to the basket, but his shot has been dropping with way more consistency as of late. With Dez’s shot falling, Layman lighting it up from outside, and Melo being one of the top point guards in the nation, nobody wants to play the Terps right now.

 

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 11:20 AM

Ovi Scored Numbers 40 and 41 Last Night And Now Is Tied For The League Lead In Points…With His Teammate Nick Backstrom

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What a talent Ovi is. Just a once in a generation type talent that some people are wasting by not watching and/or blindly hating him. Most electric player in the league. Ovechkin is now the 10th player in NHL history to score at least 40 goals 7 times in first ten seasons. The other nine are in the HOF. He’s well on pace to have back to back 50 goal seasons and his 6th overall…or 5th? (Not sure if a 65 goal season counts in the 50 goal season category or not.) Regardless, he’s having yet another MVP season. It’s between him and Carey Price, who has unreal numbers up in Montreal.

One of the Caps newest additions debuted last night, and Tim Gleason played pretty well on the blue line. Can’t remember a time he stood out as out of position, had a couple blocked shots, and allowed Mike Green to pinch up into the offensive zone more than he has been recently. Brings a whole new dynamic to the game. Pretty incredible that last year the Caps only had 3 dmen with NHL experience, and now their top 6 is one of the most solid in the game. Once Orlov is healthy, they’ll have 7 solid defensemen. It’s not talked about enough how great Carlson has been this year, how solid Alzner is, and after starting the year off shaky, Brooks Orpik has been nothing but a great defenseman. The Dmen for the Caps is 5000% improved over last season.

Holtby recorded his 7th shutout of the season, along with making a few outstanding saves. Carey Price will likely win the Vezina, but if there was a trophy for making incredible saves to keep their team in the game, give that one to Holts.

Curtis Glencross is set to suit up on Tuesday in Columbus. Looking forward to seeing what his speed and toughness, as well as his offensive abilities will bring to the Caps. Won’t be surprised to see promising but still raw rookie Andre Burakovsky start getting healthy scratched.

Keep on winning, keep getting stronger.

 

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 10:30 AM

A Guy Who Works 80 Hours/Week In Tokyo Made a Great Video Documenting His Life And It’s Funny If You Ignore How Terribly Depressing It Is

 

Just puts everything into perspective a little bit. Sure you might be sitting there in your cube- sad, depressed, broke, a bit hungover from the weekend- but hey, most of you aren’t working 80 hours a week doing bullshit and sleeping on a bed I wouldn’t even make a cat sleep on. His meals are yogurt and granola. His workouts are 3 pushups. Then he goes to sleep and does it all over again. It’s like Groundhogs Day but there’s no girl, there’s no hope, there’s no comedic relief. Just sadness. In his free time he made a video showing the world how awful his life is. I have to imagine his next video will be his suicide.

 

 

PS: I read up on these “Tokyo Salary Men”. And it’s a bunch of people whose lives just revolve around working. They are born to work and then they die. The company rules their life. In between work their boss sets them up with a woman and they pop out a baby or two that you never see because you’re always working. That’s basically the only perk. You only see your wife when it’s time to fuck and you only see your kid once a week.

 

PS: Weird thing is this guy isn’t even Japanese. He has that British accent. Did he voluntarily sign up for this gig? That’d be the most insane thing of all time. If he went there in search of a job like that. Insane.

By Nate posted March 2nd, 2015 at 9:40 AM
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