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Barstool DMV Smokeshow of the Day – Alessandra from Maryland

 

Introducing smokeshow Alessandra. Stupid hot Terp Smoke. Wakes up in the morning, smoke. Goes to sleep, smoke. In between, smoke.

 

Send all the smokeshow nominations you have to DMV@Barstoolsports.com. We never say who nominated, so don’t be shy with it.

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 5:40 PM

Ryan “Not Brian” Braun Got a Standing Ovation In Milwaukee Today


RB by random_sports
 

Is his name Ryan, is it Brian, does it matter? Cheater, liar, thief, and all around douchebag Bryan Braun got cheered like he was the second coming baby Jesus himself. Though I guess when you live in Milwaukee, you’ll cheer for whatever you can get.

 

PS: Will someone remind Aaron Rodgers of his outstanding debt?

 

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 4:00 PM

The Newest Craze With the Kids is Smoking Coffee

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KTNV – Teens are getting their caffeine fix in a way never thought of before. They’re smoking it. Coffee smoking is a dangerous new trend that’s going viral among teens. We’ve heard of people eating coffee beans, but smoking them is a whole other thing. There are websites popping up online that will teach kids step-by-step on how to roll their own caffeine stick. “We’re about to legalize marijuana all over the United States. I think we can live with a few bean heads.” But the side effects can be dangerous. People have reported trouble breathing, dizziness, vomiting and even hallucinations.
 

I don’t hate the move. I actually respect it tons. Because I love how kids will do fucking ANYTHING to try to be cool. Pour vodka in their eyeballs, lick toads, tie their hoodie strings together…you name it, if someone says it’s the new hotness in the streets, kids will do it. So why not smoke some coffee? They have to wake up for school at like 6 in the morning as it is, and most teens haven’t learned to love coffee yet, so you can look cool and get a nice buzz going before first period geometry class. Plus, it’s just fucking coffee. They should be passing out coffee crack pipes to anyone who wants it. If that’s what these kids want to do, let them go wild, because it’s pretty fucking stupid. Do a real drug if you actually want to be cool. Didn’t DARE teach you anything?

 
 

PS: I want to smoke coffee.

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 2:55 PM

DeSean Jackson and RG3 Hung Out This Weekend And Now Jackson Is On A Plane to DC

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TMZ - Looks like the Redskins are serious about DeSean Jackson — ’cause TMZ Sports has learned the WR hung out with RG3 in L.A. this weekend BEFORE he got on a plane to meet with the team in D.C. Sources tell us … DJ and Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III “spent several hours” together in Los Angeles — apparently things went well. Jackson is now on a plane destined for D.C. — where he’s reportedly set to meet with team honchos. Despite all the drama surrounding his release from the Eagles, we’re told DeSean has been laser-focused on football — and has been training like a maniac. There are several teams that have reportedly expressed interest in Jackson — but with the meeting between RG3 and DJ, it looks like the Redskins could have an edge.

 

I laughed out loud thinking about this goofy ass odd couple. One tweets Avril Lavigne lyrics, one tweets gang signs. One married his long term girlfriend, one doesn’t know what girlfriend means. I would love to have been able to be there when RG3 was talking to Jackson. RG3 is definitely the type of guy that says “LOL” after he says something he thinks is funny. Jackson is the kind of guy that would slap him. And I love it. I think this is what the Redskins need. The yang to RG3′s yin. DeSean Jackson will bring balance to the force. And as I hear it, Dan Snyder wants to sign him up TODAY. Doesn’t want to let him out of his sight without signing for way, way too much money. And because I’m beaten down, I am jovial about it. Another weapon on offense. Let’s make it happen. As long as he agrees not to kill anyone. Cause that’d be bad.
 

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 1:56 PM

MFK Monday in the DMV – Opening Day Edition

Amanda McCarthy

Kim DeJesus

Larisa Fraser Braun

Total Number of Votes: 8575

Amanda McCarthy:

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Kim DeJesus:

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Larisa Fraser Braun:

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Hey there! Happening opening day to you and yours. Let’s MFK some baseball players hot wives, shall we? Amanda McCarthy is the wife of the Diamondbacks’s Brandon McCarthy, Kim DeJesus is the wife of Tampa’s David DeJesus, and Larisa Braun is married to that fraud asshole Brian Braun.

Marry: Kim. She seems like a ton of fun. Like, would drop off the kids at soccer practice then immediately come home to give you a blow job type of girl.

Fuck: Amanda. I like her chipperness. So chipper. Definitely quirky in the sack.

Kill: Larisa. Anyone who would marry Brian has to be a huge bitch. Unable to have a conversation with about anything, and always bitching about shit. Would be no fun to fuck.

EDIT: I typed Brian instead of Ryan because when it comes down to it, I forgot his name. No excuses. My shoulder doesn’t hurt. I thought that was his name and when I remembered it wasn’t, it was too late. Is what it is. I hate him no matter if his name is Ryan or Brian or Steve.

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 12:59 PM

Video: Security Guard and 17 Year Old Girl Throw Down in a Baltimore Library

 

Love it. Don’t you ever tell a girl who is getting her study on in the library what to do. She is there to learn, bub. She doesn’t have time to listen to you tell her what to do with a chair.

The true star of the video isn’t the girl. It’s not even the security guard. It’s my bro right here:

 

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Fun fact, I was the first person to ever tie the hoodie strings like that. I walked around like that for a few months senior year of high school. Was kinda my thing. People of course copied me cause I was a swinging dick and they wanted to be cool in the streets like a future blogger, but let it be known and let it be written, your boy Nate Blogg invented the tying of the hoodie strings. So no doubt I agree with him that the security guy should be doing time. He put his hands on a lady. Clearly. A lady. And you can’t just willy nilly put your hands on a lady and expect to get away with it. So lock that guy up and let the girl get back to studying for Pete’s sake. Sheesh. A girl can’t even go to the library anyone without being slapped around. For shame.

 
 

PS: Love this library guy who just laughs the whole time. Gives no shits about what happened.

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By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 12:05 PM

It’s Time For Some Orioles Magic – Your 2014 Preview

Camden Yards

In my opinion, Opening Day is the best day in all of sports. This kick starts us for six months straight of baseball, nothing better than that. The Orioles started last season on fire, jumping out to a 53-43 record before the All-Star break, then slumping down the stretch to a 32-34 record and finished 85-77, good for third in the A.L. East. After two winning years in a row after 14 straight losing seasons, The Birds look to make it three in a row this season.

Chris Davis
 

Offense

Heading into the season, the Orioles have a top 3 offense in the league. Last season the Orioles were tied for fifth in the league in runs with 745, good for 4.6 runs a game, and they’ve added Nelson Cruz. Their Achilles Heel from last year was hitting with runners in scoring position. It must improve this season. I don’t know how many games I saw where it was bases loaded and no outs and no runs scored. You have to hit when you have ducks on the pond.

The Birds had 24 more home runs than any other team in the league, and could easily do the same thing this season. They are a power hitting club- Davis (53 last season), Jones (33), and Cruz (27). Machado (14), J.J. Hardy (25), and Wieters (22) should all hit over 20 dingers. They could possibly get a combined 15-20 homers, and around 80 RBI from the platoon at second, which will include Ryan Flaherty, Jonathon Schoop, and Steve Lombardozzi. Schoop will be a beast this year, love the kid. Came into camp with a lot more weight than last year. Look for a big year from Schoop.

Chris Davis isn’t going to replicate his numbers last year, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him hit around .280, 44 bombs, and 110 RBI, should be another MVP caliber season for Crush. Jones will continue to see his stats increase, pencil him in for .285, 34, and 95 RBI.
 

Adam Jones Catch

Defense

Coming off the best defense in MLB history, the Orioles shouldn’t miss a beat again this year. They are returning all of their Gold Glove winners (Machado, Jones, Hardy) and added David Lough who will take over for Nate McLouth in left. Lough is younger, faster, has a better arm, and an overall better defender than McLouth, who bounced down the road to the Nats.

Jones still has a rifle of an arm in center and will make great catches. Markakis has gotten older but is an above average defender. Very quietly, Chris Davis finished second in Gold Glove voting for first baseman, his defense should continue to improve this year. Manny Machado was flat out amazing last year, so much fun to watch him in the field, and when he comes back from his knee injury he shouldn’t miss a beat. Matt Wieters has developed the best defensive catcher and should continue to be one of the best catchers in the league. The only time the defense may struggle is when Nelson Cruz switches from DH and is playing in the outfield. He is a below average defender but he hits bombs, so you have to have his bat in the lineup. They may not set any records like they did last season, but they are for sure one of, if not the best, fielding team in the league.

 
Ubaldo Jiminez throwing

Pitching

The Orioles will look for Chris Tillman to continue pitching like he did last year. Tillman was great all season and would have had over 20 wins if it wasn’t for the bullpen blowing a million games. New addition Ubaldo Jimenez brings leadership and a proven winner to the rotation. After stinking it up the past two and a half seasons, Jimenez rebounded last year and ended up having the second lowest ERA in the league after the All-Star break. He’s averaged 28 starts a year over the last eight seasons and should continue that trend this year. The rest of the rotation should be filled out by Wei-Yin Chen, Miguel Gonzalez, and Bud Norris. The bullpen is full of starters turned relievers, including Zach Britton, who has had a great spring with a .84 E.R.A. in 9 appearances, and David Ortiz killer, Brian Matusz. Darren O’Day, Josh Stinson, Ryan Webb, Evan Meek, and Tommy Hunter will be rounding out the bullpen.

Kevin Gausman will contribute to the team this year, book it. It’s just a matter of time. Gausman will be up soon and possibly work out of the bullpen, where he was nearly unhittable last year. Dylan Bundy is continuing his rehab from Tommy John surgery and should be back pitching in the minors by June. If Johan Santana can get healthy and has anything left in the tank, look for him to make an appearance out of the bullpen for the O’s too.

Jim Johnson was a very unpopular man last year, blowing nine saves and probably cost the Orioles a spot in the playoffs. He’s gone and now it looks like it’s Tommy Hunter’s job to lose, although he hasn’t been told he is the closer. I’d bet on seeing Big Game Hunter out there to end the ninth. He has the physical tools to be a closer, throws hard and fast, and hits his spots. It seems mental at this point for him.

 

Final Prediction

It is clear this team is trying to win now. The Orioles have made the right moves to compete with the big boys. Their top 3 offense combined with their incredible defense and improved pitching should be enough to bring Oriole Magic back to the playoffs for the second time in three years.

RDT’s prediction: 91-71

A.L. Wild Card team

 

If this song doesn’t get you pumped up, get checked by a doctor. Orioles magic baby.

Follow me at @BarstoolRDT for my Orioles takes this season.

 

By RDT posted March 31st, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Sinkholes Continue Being Relentless Souless Bastards, Tried To Eat a 14 Year Old Deaf and Blind Dog in Maryland

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Post – A 14-year-old deaf and blind dog was rescued Sunday from a sinkhole in Frederick. More than 25 rescue workers from at least five different departments in the area spent seven hours trying to rescue the dog — a Lhasa Apso named Samantha. She fell into the hole, which rescue officials said was roughly two feet wide and eight feet deep, while walking with her owner in a grassy area near Old Farm Road and Wainwright Court. The owner yelled for help after Samantha fell into the hole, according to a report from Abby Theodros with WHAG-TV, the NBC affiliate in Western Maryland. Area neighbors heard her and called for help. Rescue officials pumped warm air into the hole and monitored the air flow. The dog was also given toys and food in “an effort to try and coax her out,” said Capt. Kevin Fox with the Frederick County Fire department. Rescuers used “flexible pipping to coax the dog from the deepest part of the hole” Fox said. They were then able to harness the dog and lift Samantha out of the hole, he said Samantha underwent x-rays and a bath at a vet’s office and was later able to go home. The sinkhole and area around it are being monitored by engineers and public works officials, but there is believed to be no threat to homes or roads in the area

 

Will sinkholes show some mercy!? Jesus Christ, sinkholes, this dog was deaf, dumb, and blind. The Hellen Keller of dogs, and stood no chance against the gangbanger sinkholes. The most cold blooded move I’ve ever EVER seen. Goodness. It literally couldn’t see the sinkhole coming, and by the looks of it, we’re just lucky it’s owner wasn’t eaten alive by it too.
 

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So let me ask you this- why aren’t we doing more about this? We aren’t okay. This has Will Smith movie written all over it. Let’s take a walk down memory lane real quick before you answer:

Sinkhole eating cars

Sinkhole eating a woman and her dog..hmmmmm, seems like it’s a trend

Sinkhole eating firetrucks

 

Look, I’m not trying to scare you, but you’re not safe. Your pets aren’t safe. Our emergency response vehicles aren’t even safe. It’s a dangerous, dangerous world out there. Sinkholes are looking to strike at any time, and are ruthless cocksuckers who will eat anything and anyone.

Good luck out there, champs. But you’re on your own. In this dog eat dog world, we’re all at the mercy of the mighty sinkhole.

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 10:30 AM

Maine Man Cut Open a Dead Porcupine Looking For a Rare Mineral That The Chinese Say Grows Inside of Them, Found a Baby Porcupine Instead

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WTOP – A Maine man in search of a valuable mineral cut open a dead porcupine on the side of the road and unexpectedly pulled out its baby. Jared Buzzell, of Lisbon, says he was searching for wild mushrooms Thursday when he saw a porcupine get hit by a car in Minot. Buzzell says he’d heard that a valuable mineral deposit used in Chinese medicine formed in the stomachs of porcupines. He then cut open the dead porcupine to search for the mineral and instead found the baby. He tells WMTW-TV he cut the umbilical cord and thought the baby porcupine was dead until he started massaging it and it began breathing. Buzzell is caring for the baby at home and plans to give it to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.
 

Just your normal Monday morning feel-good story. A guy is out looking for some shrooms, sees a dead porcupine, and decides the next rational thought is to cut that thing open on the side of the road to try to find a Chinese mineral that apparently grows inside of porcupines (I’m not doing any research because I’m just going to believe that’s true). And then he basically delivers a baby which he is now feeding out of a bottle. Pretty standard shit. I love his thought process. Quickest thinker this side of the Mississippi and a no holds barred attitude when it comes to getting what he wants. It’s so savage to cut open a porcupine on the side of the road. I’m just imagining him digging through it, throwing guts and organs over his shoulders like a kid in a cartoon who is searching for something, porcupine needles sticking out of his eyeballs, all in search of a mythical emerald and then a fucking baby pops out of nowhere. Pretty, pretty normal.

 

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 9:35 AM

Wake Up Throwback With Trish Stratus

 

Wrestlemania week is here. Growing up, Trish was the hottest thing ever. It’s a shame there was no Instagram back then.

 

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trishggif

By Nate posted March 31st, 2014 at 9:00 AM
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