OH SHIT! It’s the Cozy Coupe Crew! The baddest motherfuckers on the planet. The Crew takes no prisoners. Kill or be killed. Watch your back or you’re gonna get got. Cozy Couping up and down the block, blasting Goo Goo Dolls like ya read about. Not to be fucked with.
The CCC shows no mercy. Inferior blogs, websites, and humans better watch their backs. If there’s a problem, we’re on it.
The thing about us, we aren’t out for evil. We’re out to protect. We’re here to serve the stoolies, the United States of America, and to rid the world of evil.
Won’t sleep, can’t sleep until justice is served. The Cozy Coupe Crew has arrived.
It’s late in the day. None of you really want to do work right now. Your mind is focused squarely on happy hour. Zoned in. Almost there. So here you go, 11 minutes of crazy Russians nearly killing each other. I’m fairly sure that Russian law states if you die on a reality show, it’s fair game. If ya die, ya die. I can’t even imagine the amount they drink on Russian Real World. MTV probably gets personalized Christmas cards from the Russian vodka companies as a thank you for bringing reality shows to Russia. They are single handily keeping Svedka afloat.
What a battle we had last week. Blink 182′s classic “Dammit” vs. Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life”. And 3EB won. Upset city in my opinion. But the people spoke. And I am not going to argue with the people.
I could do this tournament style but for right now I’m just picking hard matchups and leaving it up to you to vote.
Today’s matchup won’t be easy. We have:
Can’t get much more classic than these two. They hit on every cylinder. In 100 years, we’ll still be singing along.
Vote 1 for One Headlight, 10 for Hey Jealousy
Bonus song because it’s incredible:
What an insane thing to do. Hey, here’s some free money, take it. Take all our money. That’s what DraftStreet is saying to me. And I’m going to listen to them. Because if there’s two things I love, it’s football and free money. So combining both is a no brainer.
The link to sign up is HERE.
And if you didn’t notice, even if you don’t win, the top 100 get a solid gold barstool hoodie. Just for playing a free game.
You’re going to watch the game on Sunday anyway. Might as well draft a team, make some bucks, get a free hoodie, and thank me later.
SIGN UP. DO IT.
What a great Friday! Pay day, sex tapes are flying like turkeys into windows, and now not one, but TWO new gimmick jerseys to stare at. First, the Cincinnati Cyclones are honoring the military by going full Captain America. Love it. Need it. Perfect jersey right there. I’m all in on it. A+.
Zollo night!!! What!? How?!? Did Zollo do it again, or did Zollo do it again? Act like the Stool isn’t taking over. Dare you to even try. What a beauty that thing is. You can hate robot music, but there’s no denying that sweater is a 10. Gonna need 1 of each. Pronto.
Total Number of Votes: 13706
Miss Teen Colorado Runner Up Kristy Althaus:
Miss Teen Delaware Melissa King:
One of these is not like the other, but I’m okay with that. Two former beauty queens turned porn sluts, and one all time scorcher. Why is Shakira in the mix? Because she came out with a new music video today, and she looks good as ever. Shaking herself all around, reminding us that she is still a 12. Then the other two. Good grief Charlie Brown. Miss Teen Colorado Runner Up Kristy Althaus didn’t just make a sex tape. She DOMINATED a sex tape. Never seen anyone want to be in a sex tape more than her. Enthusiasm is unreal. And what she did at the very end, you’ll have to see for yourself. But get her rookie card now, her stock is on the rise. And of course the OG Miss Teen Delaware Melissa King. Not the best sex tape, but appreciate the thought. She does’t seem keen to make another tape, and she goes to college classes and all that. But still posts the sneaky but not sneaky at all slutty picture on her Instagram whenever she has a chance.
Marry: Miss Teen Colorado Runner Up Kristy Althaus. I saw her. I liked what I saw. I want that the rest of my life. Til death do us part. We’ll live in seclusion in a cabin in Montana, I’ll never talk to my family ever again, and we will live happily ever after.
Fuck: Miss Teen Delaware Melissa King. She needs a re-do. People are down on her now that she’s been cuckolded by Miss Teen Colorado Runner Up Kristy Althaus. Stock is sinking. Maybe not even drafted in the sextape draft at this point. I’ll work with her. Work off the rust. Get her back up to form. Someone has to do it. I’m the guy.
Kill: Shakira Shakira. Ohhh baby when talk like thatttt. Catchy tune for a dead broad.
Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh drug detectives say they arrested a McDonald’s worker who was selling heroin in Happy Meals. The District Attorney Narcotics Enforcement team received information that the employee was selling the heroin at the McDonald’s restaurant at 6361 Penn Avenue in the Bakery Square section of East Liberty. Undercover agents, along with officers from Swissvale, North Versailles, and McKees Rocks were able to set up a controlled buy at the restaurant Wednesday afternoon. Officers say customers looking for heroin were instructed to go through the drive-thru and say, “I’d like to order a toy.” The customer would then be told to proceed to the first window where they would be handed a Happy Meal box containing heroin. The customer would pay for the transaction at the first window and leave without having to stop at the second window. It is unknown at this point how long this process had been going on or how many like transactions may have taken place prior to today. Employee Shania Dennis from East Pittsburgh was arrested in the bust. Police say 10-stamp bags of heroin were recovered inside of the Happy Meal box and another 50 bags were recovered from the suspect. Another McDonald’s employee was also arrested earlier this month for selling heroin in Murrysville.
Can’t knock the hustle! When dealing heroin, you can’t use old hat methods. It’s too obvious nowadays. Too much surveillance, too many people yapping about where to get the good shit. The streets aren’t what they used to be. So you have to go undercover brother on their asses and stay one step ahead. And where is the last place you would expect to find a drug kingpin? Working at McDonalds. Flipping burgers. Mad props to this drug lord for casually bringing in 50 bags of heroin and plopping them into a happy meal box. I hope she never had to use the bathroom during her shifts. You walk away for one second, the next guy with a GED steps in for you, and next thing you know some soccer mom with 6 screaming kids in the mini van is driving away with all your dope. Would be the absolute worst.
PS: This would never happen at Bojangles.
Holy shit birds are so fucking stupid, they are relentless! Can’t help but make the news by being big dumb feathered idiots. First, these doves got got by bigger and badder birds. Then, an owl who was trying to take over DC decided to go out for a late night snack and got clotheslined by a bus. And now, we see turkeys being stupid cocksuckers and flying into glass windows. What a moron! That’s why we eat you! Vegetarians can’t look at this video and still claim there is anything wrong with eating animals. Fucking thing has eyes and smashed into a window. Hey turkey, I remember my first day flying. LOSER!
What a terrible game for the Caps, as is tradition. Couldn’t do anything that remotely resembled something a competent, well coached, well constructed team would do.
Braden Holtby gave up 3 goals on the first 6 shots. What a plunge he has taken this season. Really sucks to see. He really appeared that he would be the franchise goalie for this club, but the wheels have fallen off. Some people are blaming the Caps for bringing in Kolzig as the goaltending coach, but Holtby is still allowing some softies that he shouldn’t.
Mike Green was treated like a rag doll and hopefully won’t miss too much time.
He has actually been playing better as of late, not just on the offensive end, but also not making careless mistakes in his own end.
John Erskine is not a good hockey player. He shouldn’t be getting the minutes he’s getting.
And how about these hardos behind the net?
The only guy to give a full 60 minutes not dressed in a Blue Jackets sweater was the kid sitting behind Adam Oates. Straight up dominated for 3 full periods.
Caps vs Red Wings tonight, in case you wanted flashbacks of the 1998 cup finals to make you feel worse. Fuck you, Esa Tikkanen.
Click here to view with the old Gallery.
Introducing Tatyana from DC to close out the Smokeweek. Tatyana backing up my theory that every girl from Ukraine is a smoke. Fireball city.
Keep the nominations rolling in. We never tell who nominated them, so don’t be shy. DMV@barstoolsports.com.